I go on a camping trip every summer, where the campsites each have an outhouse. The campground company moves the hole at the beginning of each camping season, though by the time our trip comes around in mid-August…lets just say these things have seen better days.

One year my friend thought it might be funny to take a picture down the hole, since its so deep and dark that (luckily) any decent human being would never have to see what exactly was going on down there. While my friends and I are not ones to shy away from gross things, I don’t think any of us have truly recovered from seeing the picture.

I am telling you this to set the stage for the Outhouse Challenge.

This challenge is a little bit different. Instead of just picking which is worse, you’ll be presented with an opportunity. You can choose to take it, or walk away. But choose wisely. For this week’s challenge:

It’s the end of the summer. You are standing in front of two outhouses. One of them is filled with six feet of what you would expect to find in an outhouse hole. The other contains only millions of dollars worth of gold bars, and pillows. You will be allowed to dive, head first, into only one of these holes. If you choose correctly, all the gold bars in the hole belong to you. If you choose wrong, you just have to deal with the situation, and live with the knowledge that you had a 50/50 chance of getting the gold, and didn’t.

Or you could walk away and not jump. No chance of getting the millions, but no chance of anything else either…

What would you do?

Don’t forget to vote in the poll.

for those of you who don’t, the jackalope is the fictional rabbit with antlers who was featured on “america’s funniest people,” and voiced by dave coulier (in his “mr. woodchuck” voice from Full House). he generally ran amok, and played tricks on his would-be captors in a way that was meant to amuse little children. his catchphrase was “fast as fast can be…you’ll never catch me!” and there are few things in the world that are stupider, and more annoying than these jackalope clips.

now that we’re all on the same page, onto the challenge.

As always, which is worse:

1) From now on, for the rest of your life, you will be forced to watch a one and a half hour “jackalope” movie every day, and if you fall asleep, or zone out, you have to start over again from the beginning.

OR

2) From now on, for the rest of your life, you will be forced to listen to “This is How We Do It” by Montel Jordan on a continous loop whenever youre traveling (bus, car, subway, train, plane, boat, walking, biking, etc). It must be loud enough to hear, and applies even if you are traveling with others.

so…i thought of this new challenge today while i was at work–i teach part of the day at a toddler aged preschool. today at lunch time, this one girl had a garlic dill pickle spear, and among other things, some purple, cat shaped, sugar covered marshmallows. i watched as she started eating both at the same time. seeing her struggling with the ammount of food she had stuffed into her mouth, i suggested she either “chew real good” or “spit it out.” she chose the latter.

i continued watching as she then picked up half of the green and purple turned light brown mass of marshmallow/pickle mush that she had decided to spit out, and continued eating it, this time with an appropriate ammount of food for her mouth.

i wish i could say that this was the grossest thing that i’ve seen kids do at school, but unfortunately, that is not the case. but it did spawn this new challenge. as always, which is worse:

1) From now on, for the rest of your life, all the food that you eat must be pre-chewed for you by a state-appointed “food chewer.” the food will taste exactly the same as it always did, and you will not catch anything from your chewer (the state strictly regulates food pre-chewing). but from now on, all the food you eat will be presented to you pre-chewed.

OR

2) From now on, for the rest of your life, your food will look, feel, and smell exactly like it always has…before you put it in your mouth. But after you put it in your mouth, it will taste and feel like someone has chewed it up and spit it back out before you ate it.

Don’t forget to vote in the poll!

1) From now on, for the rest of your life, you must take a yearly cross contry drive, New York to LA…with the “All in the Family” theme song playing on a continuous loop. Once again, you cannot wear earplugs, headphones, etc., you are not deaf, and the volume will be loud enough to drown out all other sound. There is a speed governor on your van which does not allow it to travel faster than 55 miles per hour.

OR

2) From now on, for the rest of your life, you must make this same drive, with the same ground rules, but with the Verizon “Can you hear me now” guy riding shotgun. He will be constantly making calls and saying “Can you hear me now…good.” No music or other passengers allowed.

PS - Now you can vote for which you think is worse in our new “poll” on the right hand side. it’s kind of hard to see right now with the font being so light, but check it out, and continue to post comments and send suggestions to “ultimatechallenge@gmail.com”

1) From now on, for the rest of your life, you must watch one hour of the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” every day with Jeff Foxworthy sitting next to you providing commentary on every “you might be a redneck if…” joke.

OR

2) From now on, for the rest of your life, you must watch one hour of All My Children every day with a housewife who subscribes to Soap Opera Digest and will explain the backstory of every character on screen.

when i came up with this challenge, it was one of the most difficult choices that i had to make. so here it is:

In this scenario, you are a van driver on a cross-country trip. You cannot wear earplugs, headphones, etc. or turn on the radio, and you are not deaf. There is a speed governor on your van which does not allow it to travel faster than 55 miles per hour. Which is worse:

a) You are driving a bad high school drama group who will sing showtunes for the duration of the trip.

OR

b) You are driving a bad high school poetry group who will recite their poetry for the duration of the trip.

onto the next round…

Which is worse:

a) From now on, for the rest of your life, every movie you ever watch will cut off with ten minutes left, and the rest of the world has sworn to never let you know how it ends.

OR

b) From now on, for the rest of your life, every CD/MP3/Record/Tape/Radio Broadcast/Minidisc/etc you ever listen to will start to skip once per minute.

to address these specific concerns: no. it would be a hard wood floor. no air mattress. no carpet. just a pillow and blankets. the challenges presented are created to pose a “worst case scenario.” so whatever you think would be the worst answer to the question you may ask, thats probably what the answer is going to be.

onto round 2:

Which is worse:

a) From now on, for the rest of your life, you are only allowed to take cold showers.

OR

b) From now on, for the rest of your life, you are only allowed to eat cold food.

This idea was born about a year ago when my friends and I ran a radio show tournament to decide which of the “worst case scenarios” that we came up with would actually be the most torturesome to our friends and listeners.

The wild popularity of the show (relatively speaking), and my ability to successfully beat a dead horse has driven me to bring the Ultimate Challenge back for round two.

Much like the quiz in the middle of Chuck Klosterman’s “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs,” I feel like the answer that each person gives to these questions will not only help determine a winner/loser, but will offer a window into their psyche, and help us decide if this is a person that we would like to continue to associate with.

So please, discuss these choices with your friends, family, coworkers, fellow students, etc. and weigh the consequences carefully. When you are finished, I would appreciate hearing from you: your final answers, or compelling arguements for either side. Feel free to leave comments about this entry, or if you’d prefer, I’ve set up an email account for the challenge. Cleverly, I’ve chosen “UltimateChallenge@gmail.com.” Any ideas for future challenges can be sent here, and theyd be greatly appreciated.

Without further ado, the first Ultimate Challenge:

Which is worse:

a) From now on, for the rest of your life, you are never allowed to sit or lie down while you are eating or watching tv and movies.

OR

b) From now on, for the rest of your life, you are never allowed to sleep on anything except the floor (but youre allowed to have a pillow/blankets).

Check back soon for results/comments/another Ultimate Challenge