My life, in alphabetical order
If Emerson College was good for anything, it was for their insistent curriculum which instructed that, in the entertainment industry, you must kill or be killed. Trust no one, but shmooze. Shmooze your face off. Exploit your contacts later. Networking is gold. Never forget that, people. Think only in terms of your own success, and step over anyone for it.
So it seems my old friend (and one-month sophomore year shmooching partner), Opus, is taking all of Emerson’s teachings to heart. What I find most hysterical about the following email he sent me, in addition to the fact that it’s a form letter he sent to everyone else, is that it serves as a reminder that I’m just as shameless as him, because he’s stolen my idea: Back in the 90s, I wanted to write a book entitled, “Kissing Opus Moreschi”. I thought it just sounded like a cool title. But the bloke has beat me to it:
Hey there,Remember me? It’s Opus Moreschi. We had some manor of
romantic relationship in the past. I hope you remember,
otherwise, I am embarrassed for myself.I’m currently meandering my way through a series of comic
essays that I hope to gather into a book called “My Life (In
Alphabetical Order)”. What I hope to work on now is chapter
G (girls) or possibly R (relationships) or S (sex). I have to
see how it all turns out.With that in mind, I am taking a page from the book of
Broken Flowers and contacting some of my exes. I wanted
to ask you a few simple questions to get some material for
my essay. I won’t be using any real names and your
anonymity will be preserved.If you could answer these following questions, I’d be very
appreciative. Make them as short or as detailed as you like.
Also, please be frank and brutally honest - I can take it.1) How did we meet, and what was your first impression of
me? How was the wooing process?2) How would you describe our sex life and/or sexual
encounters?3) How did I handle the breakup? How was I after the
breakup?Thanks in advance for your help. I’ll autograph you a copy of
the book if the damn thing ever gets finished.–opus
PS - If you can get this to me by the end of the weekend, I
would greatly appreciate it.