I am an American and I Eat Hot Dogs

A few dogs were left from Mom’s visit a couple days ago. I wasn’t real thrilled about eating more hot dogs, but I was also feeling a little lazy, so I threw one in the microwave real quick. I toasted another bun from the freezer and then, once we were ready to go, I added in my big, fancy flourish: Pierre Robert. It’s a french triple crème cheese that comes it at an astounding 75% butterfat. It’s absolutely delicious when spread on little toasted slices of bread. On the hot dog, it got all melty and basically turned into butter, so I basically ended up eating a hot dog slathered in butter. And at $19/pound, that butter comes in about 5 times more expensive than the hot dog. In the future, I think I’ll choose a stronger, more pronounced, high-end cheese if I decide pull such a stunt again. This one was just too mild when run up against the hot dog.

Mom boiled some Kayem dogs on the stove and served them with freshly toasted buns that came straight from the freezer. The side of baked beans was tasty, but the do was nothing special. I thought of adding some beans to the dog, but instead opted to try some of the condiments, which included a sample-size jar of some weak-ass stone ground mustard and some green piccalilli. God, I hate that word. Piccalilli. It’s so stupid. I can’t believe I’m even writing it down.

1 x Chicago Dog, $5.50, 1 x Marshmallow Dog, $1.99

Amusement park food is always an adventure. Nearly everything is overpriced and subpar. Here at Worlds of Fun, we happened across an authentic looking Chicago Hot Dog stand that even boasted Vienna Beef franks. I was easily persuaded, despite the rather outrageous price tag. They employees behind the stand were rather clueless, despite having the proper recipe clearly outlined for them on the menu. I walked our dear friend though every assembly step of the 4 hot dogs we ordered. He was definitely a bit overgenerous with the sport peppers, and he would consistently forget about the celery salt, but in the end, we all had a good time and enjoyed our dogs, so that’s what counts.

Immediately afterwards, I followed some friends into one of the souvenir shops and was astonished to find, oh my, yes, a marshmallow hot dog. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! I purchased it quickly for the bargain price of $1.99 before any of my pals could advise against it. I can’t really tell you what kind of qualities or flavors I was looking for in this marshmallow hot dog. I think I was just looking to experience it. Most impressive was the fierce food-coloring job that was consistent throughout the entirety of this monstrosity. I’m not just trying to tell you that the outside of this hot dog was colored to look “real.” No, the fake hot dog and bun coloring was completely solid throughout the entire dog. So one bite in and it still looks meaty. Oh yeah! I was able to convince about half of our party to take a bite, but I couldn’t sell anyone on more than a taste. And even with their help, I didn’t come close to finishing this guy. Unless you’re under 10 years old, I recommend getting a whole gang of people pumped up before even trying to take care of one of these.

1 x Flint style coney, 1 x traditional coney, something like $2.50 each

We had no idea that Grand Rapids was such a hotbed of hot dog activity, but our pal George can’t stop talking about all the great dog places in town. Late-night, post-show we head over to Grand Coney because this is probably the only place open at this hour.

This place is basically a diner with a decent hot dog menu and even a old fashioned soda fountain. For dessert I was even able to score a cream soda that was made with actual cream! Hooray for life!

The hot dogs were pretty good. I’ll be totally honest – the best coney I’ve ever had was from Skyline in Cincinnati. I think I just like the Cinci-style chili a bit more than whatever they’ve got going on up here in Michigan. In these parts, it’s a streamlined, ground-beefy style, while Skyline has a more robust, chocolaty chili. These dogs still shaped up nicely and I think I enjoyed them even more than the coneys we had in Detroit back in March. They had a nice zip to them and they went down easy – of course, when you’ve only eaten one meal all day and it’s 11:00 at night, chances are most everything goes down pretty easy.

I guess this was my first Canadian hot dog. We’re up in Toronto at this Harry Potter symposium and there are all these hot dog carts positioned around a park across the street from the hotel. This is good because mostly we are too busy running around and drinking and dancing and partying to have much time for eating. For some, this is their only source of solid food for the weekend. I’m somehow able to limit my intake to just one dog over the course of the weekend. It helped that I got invited to some kind of Slub Club-like cocktail hour and my brother and I stole a whole tray of finger food. We should have tried to get that bottle of Grand Marnier too!

The hot dog was decent. I think I actually got a veggie dog hoping it would be healthier. I have no idea. They had some nice condiments on the cart. Yellow peppers, onions, relishes, etc. I loaded it up veggie style. It hit the spot. Probably one of the most satisfying things I ate that weekend, but that’s not saying much.