I am an American and I Eat Hot Dogs

Thursday, May 26, 2005, Beantown Dogs, 166 Brighton Ave, Allston, MA

1 x Beantown Dog, $2.50, 1 x Texas Dog, $2.95

What a total disaster of a hot dog outing. This was an attempted trip to Speed’s, but Speed was a no-show. Then we went over to Code 10, but they were closed for the day for renovations. So we decided to try out Beantown Dogs over in Allston.

This place is a train wreck. It’s got all those cliché menu items named after sports teams and local colleges. Is there anything worse than arbitrarily named menu items? Doesn’t this show contempt for the customer and extreme laziness in the proprietor?

Slightly annoyed, I decided to go with what I hoped was the landmark dog for the establishment, the Beantown Dog. This one came with sautéed onions and baked beans. I made the mistake of not specifying the type of dog I wanted (there are 8 on the menu including chicken, turkey, veggie, steak, and a hamburger hot dog) so I got whatever cheap shit they had in stock. This dog was bad.

For the encore, I had the Texas Dog. I probably should have known better than to expect something good when it was advertised as having cheese sauce. It also came with chili, sautéed onions, bacon bits and jalapenos. The Beantown Dog was bad. The Texas Dog was totally fucking gross. Seriously stomach churning – not a good thing about it. I felt lethargic for hours after eating it and I didn’t even finish. I instantly wanted to get my stomach pumped. Screw this place.

Sunday May 8, 2005, Mother’s Day, Fenway Park (Sox vs. Mariners), Boston, MA

I gave my mom a Red Sox ticket and brought her (and Joe and Angela) to Fenway on a pretty cold and rainy day in May. We stopped at the Osco Drug before going into the park and got a whole bunch of candy which made the afternoon a bit more bearable. We got a cotton candy tub and after we ate our fill, we left the rest open to the rain and took bets on how long it would take to dissolve (I won with +40 minutes). The Sox lost when some poor Pawtucket call-up gave up a grand slam in his first big league game ever. The hot dogs tasted pretty good though. They always taste better when the weather sucks.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005, Boston Speeds, Newmarket Square, Roxbury, MA

Wow. It’s been well over two years since my last Speed’s dog – an absence I’m not likely to repeat anytime soon. Anastasia owed me lunch. I had bought her lunch a few weeks ago after she quit her job. Well, I quit my job last week, so I told Anastasia she had to bring me to Speeds for a dog.

It’s difficult to impress upon someone exactly what makes a Speed’s hot dog so special. Its construction is a very detailed process that involves Pearl’s All Beef ½ pound dogs, marinades, grilling, homemade sauces, and plentiful wax paper. There are about 6 buckets filled with the condiments and each on is added in a particular sequence. But once you receive the dog, it’s almost impossible to pinpoint any one flavor. It’s salty, and spicy, and sweet, and once you have a bite you cannot imagine having a better hot dog at any future point of your life. It is simple. Go! Go now!

Speed’s is located in the Newmarket Square industrial park in Roxbury. He’s usually parked right across from the Grainger supply building. He gets there around 11am and stays until he’s out of dogs (usually 2 or 3pm). Speed is 83 years-old, so go now before he retires.

Sunday, May 1st, 2005, Pryor/Wilder ’05, my apartment, Somerville, MA

Yeah, that’s right, Pryor/Wilder ’05! I invited a bunch of people over to watch all four Gene Wilder/Richard Pryor movies in a row. I fired up the old Weber and thawed out a freezer-full of hot dogs and we went crazy. I busted out all the mustards I forgot were in my fridge and we had a party. I knocked of a Kosher’s Best (compliments of New England Hot Dog Co.) topped with sauerkraut, grey poupon and one of my own extra garlicky homemade pickle spears. It was so nice.

“Silver Streak” was OK. Somehow it was voted one of the 100 best comedies of all time. “Stir Crazy” had a rodeo/jail break. “See No Evil, Hear No Evil” was the third consecutive movie to have the Pryor/Wilder team mistakenly accused of a crime, but it was also the best. How can you go wrong with a funny blind black guy and a weird deaf white guy trying to solve a murder? “Another You” sucked definitively.