I am an American and I Eat Hot Dogs

Saturday, March 27th 2004, Georg’s apartment

Hot Dog tasting

This was the first official tasting session for the Hot Dog Consulting Company. We had been commissioned to curate a birthday barbecue, so we wanted to do some research to prepare. Our objective for this meeting was to uncover some hidden gems from the Boston hot dog underground. I made a trip to Savenor’s on Charles St. and picked up some all-beef dogs ($5/lb) and some Kobe beef dogs ($9/lb). Georg hit up the Fromaggio’s in the South End and got a pack of Niman Ranch Fearless Franks ($8/lb), and he also went to the Butcher Shop (also in the South End) and got some of their homemade dogs ($10/lb). Andrew brought over a bunch of condiments including smoked gouda, avocado, apples, cinnamon, and garlic.

We cooked the dogs out on Georg’s roommate’s gas grill. At first, we tried each dog straight-up. The Butcher Shop dog was more breakfast sausage than hot dog. We were really looking for some maple syrup to throw on that sucka. It was definitely intriguing, but at $10 a pound, I’m not sure if it’s going to make it into regular rotation.

Next we tried the Savenor’s all beef. These dogs were pretty good. I’m going to need to put these head-to-head with the Pearl’s all beef to see who comes out on top. They had a solid hot dog flavor that wasn’t too overpowering. This dog opens itself up to a good range of toppings and without giving up it’s individuality.

The Kobe beef dog pretty much blows away all other hot dogs. This thing is so sophisticated that it doesn’t even need condiments. In fact, we spent a good deal of time in serious debate over what we could add to this dog, and we couldn’t come up with much beyond a nice gourmet mustard. It had a really excellent hot dog texture and taste, good mouthfeel, and had hints of both spicy and sweet. If you want to impress guests with a hot dog, the Kobe beef dog will not fail.

Finally, there was the Frearless Frank. The name does not lie. This dog is intense! It was jam packed with hot dog flavor to the point that it made us to wonder if this was the most saturated hot dog on the market. Did I mention that this is a 1/4lb beast? This dog was so over that top that it was stomping out mustard, garlic, avocado, and whatever else we tried to put on top of it. It’s flavor refused to be sullied by condiments. This dog will work well with the condiment-haters, but is probably not appropriate for he family BBQ.

We worked a little on some of our condiment combinations. Andrew experimented with his Apple Pie dog. He fried up some apples, cinnamon and garlic. I think his recipie might need a bit of refining, as we could really taste the garlic. Georg tried out his marmalade dog, but that flopped because all he had was some seriously gross marmalade. I tried out my avocado and smoked gouda combo, but its mild flavor had trouble standing up to some of these fierce dogs.

We ended up being very impressed by the options available at Savenor’s. Both the Kobe beef dog and the all-beef were top notch. They also had a buffalo (the animal, not the orange hot sauce) dog that we should probably check out too. So yeah, give Savenor’s a shot.

March, 20th, 2004, Acambis Company Party, Castle Veronique, Brookline, Ma

1 x pig in a blanket

They thought they could slip this shit in once everyone got drunk enough, but they can’t fool me. This company party sucked.

Last year was insane. There was a martini bar with all the top-self booze. There was a raw bar that featured non-stop shucking all night. There was a sushi bar, an antipasto bar, dinner stuff, and then dessert and cordials. Last year they did it right.

This year, I don’t know what happened. I guess since the company made a boatload of money they decided to get all serious and cut back on the fun. The evening started off with some good stuff. I got a jumbo shrimp right after walking in the door. But that was the last I’d see of anything like that. The stationary food was simple house party fare (hummus, vegetable and dip, etc.). The appetizers regressed from the shrimp to spring rolls to mini tacos to Swedish meatballs on a stick to pigs and a blanket and finally to pizza bites.

I didn’t put on a fucking suit for pizza bites. I could sit at home in my boxer shorts and eat pizza bits. But I don’t! Because they are fucking gross.

March 10th, 2004, Weenies and Martinis at my apartment, Somerville, MA

1 x Karl’s Hot Dog with Ipswich Ale mustard and red pepper relish, 2 x Essem dogs, one topped with rabbit stew, the other with the aforementioned mustard and relish – all dogs on classic New England-style split-top buns that Andrew buttered up and fried. Plus, 1 x Tanguerey 10 martini and 1 x Hendrick’s martini.

This night will be remembered as one of the turning points in the history of the hot dog. Tonight the Hot Dog Consulting Company was founded.

We had the leftover Karl’s dogs to finish off, so we decided to follow up the weekend crawl with a mid-week dog night. Georg, John, and Andrew all came over, and I mixed everyone some gin martinis.

We boiled the Karl’s dog, and they came through yet again with that subtle and sophisticated flavor. I love the Ipswich Ale mustard, and it worked well on this dog. We cooked the Essem dogs in vegetable oil and they came out really tasty. It gave the dogs a unique flavor, comparable to grilling. I think this might become my method of choice for indoor dog preparation. I had some leftover rabbit stew that I pushed on the guests as a condiment. Georg went all out and created an amazing dog topped with the rabbit stew and some grated Romano. It was real classy.

And then we sat around drinking our martinis and discussing what is wrong with the Hot Dog world and how we plan to correct it. Some day we’ll open our own hot dog joint, but for now, we plan to act as consultants to people in serious need of hot dog advice. Popo’s should take a hint. We’re here to help.

March 6th, 2004 – Stop #5: Elliot’s Famous Hot Dogs, 37 Elliot St., Lowell, MA

1 x Hot Dog (“All Around” with mustard, relish and onions), $1.85

Both Elliot’s and Lawton’s claim to be famous, but do they really deserve it? And if so, who should be more famous? We were hoping to use this crawl to find out.

Unfortunately, I cannot declare a winner. By the time we hit Elliot’s, our last stop, our taste buds were pretty shot. The hot dog headache was getting to me. Mostly, we were going through the motions. I feel bad because I think it’s a little unfair to Elliot. This dog had all the right stuff going on. The bun was greased up and toasted. The condiments were classic, and the dog itself was something special. It really curled up at the ends, and you felt like you were eating a cartoon hot dog. A tasty cartoon hot dog.

Elliot’s was another place that was teeming with character. The woman at the cash register was drunk and disorderly. Two high school kids filled our order. Everyone in the restaurant was unimpressed by our enthusiasm and dedication to hot dogs. These people truly hated their life and their job, and you could taste their failure in the hot dog. I am surprised Springsteen doesn’t have a song called “Elliot’s Famous Hot Dogs.”

March 6th, 2004 – Stop #4: Lawton’s Famous Frankfurts, 606 Canal St., Lawrence, MA

1 x Hot Dog (mustard and relish), $1.85

Lawton’s was a welcome relief after surviving our ordeal with the poseur hot dog joints. This place can survive on character alone! It’s just a little shack on the verge of falling into the Merrimack River. No tables, no fancy toppings, no hot dog selection. There is barely enough room to walk.

The dogs were fried up in a bin of oil. The buns were nice and toasty. The mustard was yellow, and the relish was green. No frills, just a tasty hot dog.

I think we should institute a new criterion for evaluating hot dogs. The dog should be rated on a time scale that corresponds to the personal value of a hot dog. For example, I would say Lawton’s serves up a 20-minute dog. This means that I would take 20 minutes out of my day to grab a dog at Lawton’s. The time estimate should include transportation to-and-from the dog joint, as well as time spent ordering, waiting, and then consuming. On the low-end of the scale is a “Time-zero Dog,” a dog that you will eat only if you find yourself in front of the purveyor. On the high end is a “Day-trip Dog,” which signifies that this dog is worth any and all effort necessary in its obtainment. And of course, there are also the dogs that are not worth eating at all, like the one from the Davis Sq. T stop. These we will call “Worthless Dogs.”

March 6th, 2004 – Stop #3: Boston Hot Dog Company, 60 Washington St., Salem, MA

1 x Southern Slaw Dog (cole slaw, chili, shredded cheddar), $2.50, 1 x Paul Dog (diced onions, tomatoes, cucumber and radish, more diced onions, green relish, some hot sauce, Grey Poupon, $on-the-house

So let’s look on the bright side of things. At the very least, the Boston Hot Dog Company has a great owner. We walked into the place slightly burdened by all of our usual Dog Crawl documentation gear, and Larry (the owner) seemed very intrigued. He was genuinely excited to have such enthusiastic customers. He offered us a taste of the chili (“black Angus chili specially formulated for hot dogs”) and the baked beans (“home-made right here”), and I must say that by engaging us, he got me even more excited about the dog I was about to eat. Oh, and the baked beans were very good.

I went for the Slaw Dog because I had never tried cole slaw on a dog before, and this seemed like a good time to check it out. Plus, the chili (“specially formulated for hot dogs”) was pretty good too. The dog seemed a little overburdened by the condiments, and I think it probably could have used more chili and less slaw. It needed a bit more kick.

We sat at the bar and munched on the dogs and continued conversing with Larry. We told him some details of our crawl, and when we revealed that we had just been to Popo’s, we learned that his brother is the owner. We weren’t all that surprised because on the car ride between Swampscott and Salem, I had noticed that the two menus were curiously similar. Unfortunately, the Boston Hot Dog Company has also desecrated their menu with 7 hot dogs that appear very similar to those on the Kraft Foods website. However, unlike their brother, the Boston Hot Dog Company has put itself in a position to triumph over this regrettable lapse in judgment.

There are a few good things going on here. First off, Boston Hot Dog Company offers a monthly special that is characteristically exploitive of whichever holiday happens to fall in that particular month. Some feature unfortunate combinations like October’s Haloweenie with western roast topping, shredded Cheddar cheese and sliced black olives, but others are actually relatively appealing, like April’s Taxi Dog, topped with N.Y. Pastrami, Swiss cheese and Guldens mustard. They are going in the right direction.

Even more important though, is that the Boston Hot Dog Company uses quality ingredients and has a great potential. They are making their own chili, baked beans, and cole slaw on-site. They have a great variety of fresh ingredients that are all laid out for you to see and they also offer both steamed and grilled dogs – either natural casing dogs or Kosher all beef. Plus they’ve got a great buttering machine and they toast the buns perfectly (or you can get the buns steamed if that’s your fancy). To Popo’s credit, they also offer a very similar variety of fresh condiments have the same cooking/dog options.

Friendly-owner Larry offered us a chance that we really couldn’t pass up. He wanted us create our own dogs and then eat them right there. I hesitated for a second, thinking of the 3 other dogs that lay ahead, but then realized that this is what the Hot Dog Crawl is all about. I had to take the chance to prove myself. I got a natural casing dog, grilled and topped with the California Dog chutney (diced onions, cucumber, tomato and radishes), some extra onions, some green relish, a bit of hot sauce and Grey Poupon. It came out a little over-the-top spicy, but I just brushed off some of the hot sauce and mustard and the dog was quite enjoyable. Larry served us up some draft root beers that were exquisite. The root beer alone makes a stop at the Boston Hot Dog Company worth your time.

In the end, I propose that, until these two places clean up their menus, you will be best served by creating your own dog. These places offer quality dogs and condiments and there is a lot of potential for some spectacular dogs to be created. For now though, the DIY Dog* is where it’s at.

(*the DIY Dog is intellectual property of the Hot Dog Consultants)

March 6th, 2004, Stop #2: Popo’s, 168 Humphrey St., Swampscott, MA

1 x Chicago Dog (diced onion, tomato, sport peppers, shredded lettuce, green relish, Grey Poupon, poppy seeds, celery salt, and a pickle spear), $2.85

I feel completely betrayed.

Popo’s is a nice, unassuming little place, right on the beach in Swampscott. It’s probably a great place to hit up on a nice summer day, but just looking at their menu made me uneasy. It was too clean-cut. There was nothing risqué or original going on. Despite “creative” offerings like the Thai Dog or the Taco Dog, it really seemed as if these combinations had been lifted right out of some weird hot dog cookbook. They simply lacked character. It felt like a major label hot dog joint.

While some menu items had genuine bases in reality (like the NYC Dog and the Chicago Dog), there were others that seem to be masquerading as legitimate dogs. Who’s ever heard of an Arizona Dog or a California Dog? The giveaway, however, was the Thai Dog.

I was very curious about the history of the Thai Dog. On paper, it seems like an interesting idea, but when you really think about it, it’s the equivalent of California Pizza Kitchen’s Thai Pizza. Not all that creative, and not all that great.

Anyway, I did some Internet Research on the Thai Dog and found some shocking news. Go ahead and Google “Thai Hot Dog.” Just click the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. It will bring you right to the Kraft Foods’ website. Yes, I was scared too! But right there is a recipe for a Thai Dog. If you were to click on the “Home” button in the upper-left corner, you are brought to Kraft’s “Hot Dog Construction Zone.” Scanning down this page, you will find the exact names for 6 of Popo’s menu items (the Thai, the Arizona, the California, the Chicago, the NYC, and the Texas Dogs). Further exploration of the site will yield two additional menu items (the Taco Dog and the BLT Dog). For the record, 8 of Popo’s 10 specialty dogs share a name with hot dogs from the Kraft Foods Hot Dog Construction Zone. The other two dogs on the specialty menu, the Reuben Dog and the Sinatra Dog (have it your way), are already available at Spike’s.

Unfortunately, the similarities between Popo’s and Kraft do not end with hot dog names. With very few exceptions, Popo’s condiments follow the Kraft recipes almost exactly. The most obvious case is the California Dog. Kraft’s recipe calls for chopped tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions and radishes, along with parsley and KRAFT LIGHT DONE RIGHT! Ranch Reduced Fat Dressing, while Popo’s menu item offers “fresh diced tomato, diced English cucumber, sliced green onion, chopped radish, shredded lettuce and Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing.” On second thought, maybe they are not very similar at all. Popo’s uses lettuce instead of parsley and they even have a different kind of ranch dressing.

As further evidence of possible foul-play, I offer Bill Beuttler’s Boston Glove review of Popo’s from January 29, 2003. “Frankly, some of Popo’s regional specialties seem slightly off-kilter. Thus, a Chicagoan could wonder what green pepper, chopped celery, shredded lettuce, red relish (rather than bright green), and Grey Poupon are doing taking the place of the traditional dill pickle, sport peppers, yellow mustard, and all-essential celery salt that, with chopped onion and tomato wedges, are the mainstays of a real Chicago hot dog. And New Yorkers might be puzzled by the addition of celery salt to their namesake dog.” To those puzzled New Yorkers I would advise them to examine the Kraft Foods website if they are curious where that dash of celery salt came from.

All of this saddens me. As a hot dog consumer, I am always looking for the best dog around. Part of what makes a hot dog great is the people who make the hot dogs. If they take pride in their work, in their ingredients, and in their recipes, it is very difficult to screw up a dog. However, the people of Popo’s have done us consumers a great disservice. They have attempted to pass off uninspired, corportate recipes as creative and unique, but we will not be fooled! They have shown disrespect for the hot dog and its noble tradition, and we will not stand for it! Clean up your act, Popo.

March 2004 Dog Crawl (March 6, 2004)

This Hot Dog Crawl was our own version of Spring Training. It was time for us to get ready for a dog-filled summer with a bit of a warm-up. There were a couple places that had been sitting on our agenda for a while, and a couple of new places that just recently came to our attention. It was a day of triumph and a day of great disappointment where we witnessed the beauty of the human spirit and the ugliness of unscrupulous business practice. We had a good time and learned a lot.

Stop #1: Karl’s Sausage Kitchen, Rt. 1 in Saugus

¼ Frankfurter, $4.95/lb

The rumors proved true. Karl’s has a fine hot dog, but you have to cook it yourself. This is because Karl’s is not a restaurant, but rather a little shop that sells many varieties of packed meats and other sorts of international delicacies. They were very German.

Karl’s Sausage Kitchen is a fun place to go. If this was Stop #5 on the Crawl instead of Stop #1, I might have been more likely to pick up some additional meat products for consumption at a later date. But the thought of our upcoming endurance test prevented me from thinking past the 4 dogs that lay in my not-so-distant future. John said they had triple-smoked bacon, and Andrew apparently noticed some nitrate-free frankfurts (no Hot Dog Headache!). They had a lot of sausage-type things I had never head of. I bet they all taste really good.

I bought 5 frankfurts and it came to about $3.38. Since we didn’t bring a portable grill (or buns), we decided to save 4 dogs for some post-Crawl consumption. However, to make good on the tradition of the Crawl, it was necessary to eat something while we were at Karl’s, so we pulled out one dog and sacrificed it – straight-up – right there in the parking lot. It was a tasty dog. Good snap. Nice mild flavor. They definitely had the right combination of veal, pork, and beef. This is a gourmet dog you could be proud to serve at a summer cookout, even though the sophisticated flavor would probably go right over the heads of most of your guests.