Under the Covers

Ho ho ho, everybody. Not going to write much but thought I’d pass this along:

http://last-christmas.com

A collection of covers of Wham!’s song “Last Christmas” (I was going to say either “classic song” or “unavoidable song”, but neither seemed right).

I haven’t listened to them all yet, but here are my two favorite songs so far.

Applied Communications - A really fun low-fi drum machine take on it, plus the heartbreaker gets his/her own verse. Really good.
mp3 link

The Boss Hoss - Germans singing country! But it’s still Wham! Woo hoo!
mp3 link

The other day (okay a couple of weeks ago) I was out in Washington Square Park and there was this band giving a free concert, and they were decent enough, you know? Kind of jazzy maybe but hey that’s cool if that’s your thing. Anyway, they had a female vocalist and they decided to cover The Bands’ song The Weight. And it SUCKED. I mean, The Band in and of itself is okay, but this song seriously SUCKS, and I don’t really know why someone would want to subject the world to a slowed down jazzy version with a singer who inexplicably can’t hit the high notes. It was painful.

And that’s when I remembered how great Aretha Franklin is. She turns this song into some FUN TIMES. Comparing them side by side, the original is a whiny little wimp and Aretha is pumping some serious iron and is determined - DETERMINED - that you will dance to this song. She adds some horns, some backup singers, oh and is that an AWESOME bass line? Yeah, I thought so.

Okay okay okay. Maybe I’m being a little harsh on The Band. The song has its place, sure. Maybe it can be useful in a cellphone commercial or something. But the problem is that most every cover of it sucks so hard, because it’s one of those songs that every jerk with a guitar feels compelled to play at a party or in the subway because they “know what it’s like, man,” and that bullshit just drives me crazy. And it goes on way too long. What is it, like ten minutes. Aretha gets through that shit in 2:58!
No joking: if all you know by her is Respect or - god forbid - Freeway of Love, do yourself a favor and pick up some albums. Because she can rock it.

Might I Recommend:
This Girl’s in Love with You
I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You

Okay, so I wrote about rap covers a while ago, but I figure it’s time to revisit the subject. I came down kind of hard on ironic rap covers last time, but they totally have their place, as Ben Folds shows us with his cover of Dr. Dre’s Bitches Ain’t Shit. I do feel like Ben has done this before, but I think it’s just familiar ground for him. He’s pretty comfortable with referencing his supreme suburban whiteness (see: Rockin’ the Suburbs, For Those of Ya’ll Who Wear Fanny Packs), which I think is why this song works (where Dynamite Hack failed). The subject matter is also decidedly ridiculous. It’s not dealing with any of the actual problems that gangsta rap first addressed, it’s just talking about having money and being a mysoginist. Mr. Folds knows this, and he knows when HE sings about it, it’s super-DOUBLE ridiculous.
Now, compare this to a cover of 911 Is a Joke by the band Woodpecker. It’s very similar in sound to that great Gourds cover or Gin and Juice, but it falls back into that same Dynamite Hack category of trying to generate appeal based solely on the difference between black music and white music. (This guy Jonathan Coulton does the same thing with Baby’s Got Back and it kind of works for the first minute and a half, but he goes on for like FIVE MINUTES! Why!) It’s a shame that this cover doesn’t work, because I like the rest of the stuff on their MySpace page. “But Georg!” you might exclaim, “The rest of their songs sound just like the 911 cover! They are ALL kind of bluegrassy. Why are you such a jerk!” To which I would answer: because they KNOW they sound like out of place square white guys on that cover. I mean, all I can picture is that bass player from A Mighty Wind when I listen to it. And that is not a good thing.

Oh and yeah, Kennedy - I accidently deleted your comment from the Tegan and Sara post when I was cleaning up spam. Sorry about that!

So I saw Tegan and Sara play probably - crap, like four or five years ago now - they were opening up for Ben Folds, right after he ditched the Five. They were kind of awkward on stage, and well, basically they sucked - and we the crowd were not shy about sharing this information with them (this was Worcester, Mass, after all). So I had totally written them off since then, being a little too touchy-feely Canadian chick rock for me.

But then my sister played me this on the family trip to Pittsburgh, and I was amazed. I was actually convinced that it couldn’t be Tegan and Sara, it had to be a cover (there’s some serious 80s mystique going on here). But it’s not! It’s totally them and it totally rocks! And the rest of the album is pretty good too! Who would have guessed! I guess I just want to apologize to the Quin sisters for shouting such rude things at them so many years ago. Though maybe I helped make them stronger people and thus better musicians…

Anyway, the White Stripes do a cover of this song, it’s off of an EP of the same name. And it doesn’t hold up. I mean, it kinda rocks, but not as much as these two sisters from Canada playing acoustic guitars. I know, I don’t get it either.*

*Okay, actually I think I do get it. For one, the production on the Tegan and Sara song is like a million times better (they got some help from fellow hosers the New Pornographers and Jack White no doubt mastered and mixed his version in a bathtub filled with whiskey and scorpions). The original has this great 80s-style synth going on and (yes!) an electric guitar on top of the acoustic and a cool ass filter on the vocals. All Jack and Meg have going on is the typical White Stripes combo - they do have a more rocking guitar and more kickass drums, but Jack’s vocals sound clumsy and embarrassing as points. Like you can tell he’s still too in love with the original to really rip it up or something. And then they really mess it up by tossing in this backwards-sounding breakdown and all it does is make things uncomfotrable. Oh geez.

This is a French language version, called Marie-douceur, Marie-colère, and it appears in Talladega Nights in very hilarious fashion. It lacks some of the urgency that the Stones give it (and of course doesn’t rock as hard), but it has this great French sexy-despair vibe going on - which is cool if that’s your thing. Really great music to have on when trying to emulate that whole wacky French existential/bohemian lifestyle, or just when you want to get a girl to drink a bunch of red wine with you - in which case you might want to get the whole album.

If, like me, you’re a fan or Jarvis Cocker and of Serge Gainsbourg, but - also like me - you’re french maybe isn’t as good as it was in tenth grade (okay, it was never good), then this is totally the song you’ve been waiting for. It has that great Serge Gainsbourg smooth groove PLUS Jarvis Cocker doing what he does so well (i.e. singing about love gone bad) PLUS it’s in english so you can UNDERSTAND it. Pretty great song for moving on.

Just so you know: there’s a whole album of english versions of Gainsbourg songs.

Goddamn, how much did we all have to hear Oasis and this damn song when it came out? When was that, 1995? TEN years ago? I’m still sick of it. And this is why: I never felt it went anywhere. It’s one of those songs that doesn’t do too much, just sort of hangs out and does its best to be kind of catchy. And I’ll admit that I listened to it my fair share in high school, but it drives me crazy that songs like this get so popular (so then why am I devoting a column to it? I must have some unresolved issues from my Junior Prom or something).

Here’s a funny bit of trivia: the term “wonderwall” comes from a 60s Brit art film of the same name. In the movie this guy becomes obsessed with a couple that’s always getting it on in the room next door, and he watches them through a hole in the wall. Urbandictionary.com has a better summary of it, but I’ll give Noel Gallagher a few points for referencing a kind of creepy movie in such a popular love song.

But yeah, apparently a lot of musicians have some strong feelings about this song. For convenience sake, I tried to break the covers down into categories, even though there’s a lot of spillover.

Depressing Covers
There are always a couple of kids who want to out-sad the original, and not surprisingly one of those kids this time is Cat Power. She slows it down, pares it down, and, as usual, sounds like she’s on the verge of crying the whole time. It’s not so bad.

We’ve also got Ryan Adams, who with the reverb on sounds like he’s singing from inside his cave of loneliness and despair. It’s not as sparse as the Cat Power arrangement—he uses a guitar and a piano to her guitar—but I think that maybe he just cried right before he picked up the guitar to start singing. Also not so bad.

Heartfelt Covers
These people love the song just how it was, and don’t do too much to get in its way. Howie Day does a pretty straight up acoustic cover. A little less whiny than the original, though. The crowd seems to be digging it, I guess I should leave him alone.

Robbie Williams is up next with a stadium sing-along. Mr. WIlliams does a good job of getting the crowd into it—he’s all motivational speaker on stage. This was probably a real treat for the crowd, assuming you like Robbie Williams and Oasis. I’ll leave it at that.

Guess who’s back with another terrible cover? That’s right, it’s Phish. I can’t stand them, EVER. This might just be solo Trey Anastasio but really, who cares, it sucks either way. At least they aren’t trying to show off by tossing in some wanky solo. The only difference between this and the Howie Day cover is that Phish sounds so pleased with themselves when they sing this. But they also try to distance themselves a little from the original—only by calling the song “Wonder Picket Fence”, trying to get a little Vermont props or something—which brings us nicely into our next section of songs:

Ironic Covers
Here’s a question for you: is it okay to make a career out of ironic lounge covers? Even if the covers are not always all that ironic or appropriate? What if on the whole your career is a big joke, but that occasionally–no, just once you manage to pick a song that totally deserves the ironic lounge treatment, and it’s catchy and funny and a big “fuck you” to the band all at the same time: does that justify the rest of your unbearable back catalogue, filled with tasteless renditions of such songs as “Light My Fire” and “1999″? Is there any proof that you even know what you’ve managed to do? I guess what I’m trying to say is: you should have quit while you were ahead, Mike Flowers Pop.

The Beastie Boys, disguised as Quasar, do a fun little hardcore version of the song. It starts out a little half-hearted, but then they really start rockin’ it out, and about damn time, I say—no one else even TRIED to rock this song. They introduce it as “an old song we wrote, back in the 60s… it’s important to us.” Which does two things: A) reaffirms how great the Beastie Boys are and B) leads us right into our last song category:

Mean Spirited Covers
In case you thought all musicians were friends, or at least nice to each other, I take pride in presenting evidence that at least a couple of them hate Oasis. Radiohead zings the Gallagher brothers pretty well, with Thom Yorke doing a great extra whiny Liam impersonation. They stop the song about halfway through, which just means they know not to beat a dead horse. Then there’s Metallica. They sound like a bunch of dicks making fun of the sensitive kids they have 5th period Earth Science with—complete with juvenile lyrics about how Oasis smells and everything—and it kind of makes me want to defend Oasis. This track is apparently on some rarities disc of them messing around in the studio, but for the record, Lars and the gang: I illegally downloaded it. Now what are you going to do about it, huh?

David Bowie (original)
It’s along the lines of a lot of 1980s Bowie: it’s danceable (obviously), happy-go-sexy, with maybe just a twinge of drama thrown in. Almost more for show than anything else. To be honest, I heard this song tons growing up and never thought he was talking about anything other than dancing.

M. Ward
My whole take on the song changed when I heard this version. It’s really pared down (just acoustic guitar) and s-l-o-w, almost methodical, if that makes sense. And WAY more sad. Ward puts the lyrics out in front to be listened to and dissected in the saddest possible way. Does the fact that it’s off of an album that’s all about the death of his friend give it a little extra weight? YEAH. It’s good either way, just extra depressing when heard at the end of the album. The album, by the way, is The Transfiguration of Vincent in case you want to pick it up, which you should because it’s really good.

Mya
Let’s contrast all that depth and heartfeltness with Mya’s cover, shall we? As far as I can tell, this was recorded for that Richard Gere Jennifer Lopez vehicle Shall We Dance, and doesn’t seem to serve any other purpose other than to try to put a surefire dance hit on the soundtrack. And don’t you love how obvious Hollywood producers are? I mean, it’s a dance movie, so of course they have to have a song with “dance” in the title– the soundtrack also features songs with names such as “Sway”, “Happy Feet”, “I Could Have Danced All Night”, and “Shall We Dance”. Does this prove anything new? Does it have anything to do with the song itself? No, it just bothers me when people are so damn OBVIOUS. Anyway, the song itself strives to be a little more dance-y than the original and probably is. It’s definitely more of a dirty club song. Which is fine I guess. I just think it’s weird that right now, somewhere, people are grinding to a David Bowie song.

Atrocity
Oh boy! Atrocity is back! They are, by far, my favorite German death metal band. This little nugget is on the same album as their cover of Tainted Love, so if you’re in the market for just one Atrocity album, Werk 80 is the one to get. They are totally COMMANDING you to dance. And are you going to tell Atrocity, “no”? Of course not! But probably you are scared and just dancing so that they don’t destroy you. And a march? What? It’s hard to tell, but it sounds like the background singers are saying “Left right left right left right” over and over again toward the end of the song, and there’s definitely foot-marching sounds going on. It sounds way militaristic. Is this secretly about fascism? Is that what they’re doing with it? I could listen to this for hours, just trying to figure out what they were thinking. It’s pretty awesome to hear.

Hey, I’m back! Did you miss me? We’ve got a heavy-hitter this week with Tainted Love, an old Gloria Jones song that was popularized by Soft Cell. And seriously, EVERYONE’s covered this song. It’s crazy. Here are some of the highlights.

Gloria Jones (original)
Damn this song is good. This is all like, empowered woman kicking her deadbeat man to the curb and it’s awesome. If you’ve heard that Destiny’s Child song, Cater 2 U, this is the antithesis. It’s even got this fun beat, kind of like something from the Muppet Show (like when that really big monster muppet would stomp around).

Soft Cell
This is the one everyone knows, and that all the other covers respond to. What can i say about it? You already know it, you already love it. Let’s move on.

Palast Orchester (with Max Raabe)
Your basic schlocky throwback-type of cover. It’s part of this terrible tread of doing these kind of ironic covers of popular songs by juxtaposing the song content with a really inappropriate musical style all for a cheap laugh (see for instance, Dynamite Hack’s cover of Boyz-n-the-Hood). And unfortunately I am kind of a sucker for them, even though I know it’s wrong. It’s cool, thoug, because the novelty wears off pretty quickly. This band’s angle: 1920s crooner. To give them a little credit, their cover of Lady Marmalade sounds pretty hot so far. Check back with me in a week, though.

Dan Akroyd in “Coneheads”
Goddamn Dan Akroyd. Not only did he stop being funny sometime in the late 80s/early 90s (we can be generous and pinpoint 1991’s “Nothing But Trouble” as his big downfall), but every since I saw “Coneheads” I’ve associated Tainted Love with the scene where Dan Akroyd runs around singing it POORLY (I believe he’s fighting for his life on his home planet or some such crap). If you haven’t seen it, good for you. It’s just terribly unfunny and kind of grotesque, and will possibly ruin this song for you.

The Pussycat Dolls
Okay, I’ve never heard of the Pussycat Dolls, but apparently they’re aiming to be the next Spice Girls or something. Seriously, are they famous? I guess they performed this all scantily clad at some VH1 Diva-thing. It sounds they were trying to do something different with the Soft Cell angle and kind of fell backward– one foot landing in Gloria Jones territory and the other squarely in Skankville. It’s a tough song to mess up, but they almost do it by trying to turn it into Lady Marmalade. What a gross thought.

Atrocity
Yeah, man. Hard rock. They got some way evil sounding voices (do I hear a German accent?) and some way angry guitars. This is a lot of fun if you’re actually mad at someone for behaving how the song suggests; but don’t let your friends hear you listening to this because they will probably laugh at you.

Skinny Puppy
Guys, Atrocity’s already got the loud scary angle on this song covered. Thanks for trying, though.

Marilyn Manson
Oh, Marilyn Manson is covering another popular 80s new wave song? And he’s gonna make it sound scary and alienating? Yawn.

The Living End
Hey, this is pretty fun. Kind of like if the Stray Cats went punk for a day, and during that day decided that they really liked new wave.

Social Distortion
It sounds pretty much like straight-up punk, but they’re all angry about love and stuff. I guess that makes this emo, huh?

Shaun Inman
You may know him as super internet dude, but I remember him as one-half of the Hugh Grant Fanclub. Back in high school Shaun made a habit of playing his guitar down at the local coffee shop, and he did a pretty decent accoustic version of Tainted Love. Kind of breathy and heartfelt– basically perfectly suited for a coffe house– and way better than hearing someone try to sound like Bob Dylan or Joanie Mitchell or something when they so obviously CAN’T (Shaun has never attempted a Mitchell/Dylan impersonation as far as I know). Anyway, he has a rough recording of his rendition on his website, so that you can check it out.

Dynamite Hack’s cover of Boyz-n-the-Hood just came up on my playlist. I was listening to it and I started to figure out why it is that I don’t like it. It’s not that it’s unpleasant to hear, and I like the original just fine. It’s because all they’re really doing is being smarmy and maybe a little clever. Dynamite Hack is more or less saying, “Hey, look at us! Look at how white we sound! Isn’t it funny picturing a bunch of middle class white kids sporting guns and slappin’ hoes? We’re so different from Eazy-E and Dre. That’s funny!” And it is funny. But that’s all it is. It has about the same relisten value as, like, a polka medley of a bunch of Stones songs.

On the other hand, we have The Gourds and their excellent cover of Gin and Juice (you’ve probably heard it, it’s this great hillbilly-sounding alt-country cover that is way too frequently attributed to Phish). Yeah, it’s super-white music, possibly more so than Dynamite Hack and it’s still kind of funny because of that. But the big difference is that this is still a party song, so nothing they talk about seems all that out of place. You can totally picture a bunch of good ol’ boys getting just as crazy as Snoop, and that’s why it works.

Both songs use the song content and racial stereotypes as the source of their humor, but whereas Boyz-n-the-hood uses it in a way that reinforces those stereotypes Gin and Juice kind of breaks them down. Wouldn’t the Rev. Dr. King be proud? Yeah yeah, I know: they’re just dumb songs and I’m reading too much into them. But it’s my column and I can say whatever I want, so shut up.

Okay, so this week what’ve we got? We’ve got David Bowie and some of his frustratingly vague lyrics. What’s this all about, alienation in the modern world, that type of stuff? Or was it just Bowie on too many drugs? Either way I’m sure we can all agree that it’s a great song.

So why do people have to go and try to mess it up? We’ve got this joker, a guy called Jasper Steverlinck, who basically does a straight-up piano cover. The only thing he brings to it is a whole bag full of self-serving pretentious crap. This song basically screams out “My parents never hugged me as a child and now I’m trying to compensate, but too bad I’ve got no talent”. I would feel bad for him if he didn’t SUCK.

But it gets worse. Just when I thought Jasper took the cake with most masturbatory version, along comes Phish. Granted, it is a live version and they’re just “jam’n” on it, but come on, have some dignity. Who’s the lead singer of Phish, some guy named trey, right? Well he sucks. His voice keeps on cracking and it sounds like he has no idea what the song’s about (granted, neither do I, but I’m not trying to sing it!). Basically this whole version is just an excuse for the guy on guitar to try out this run he was working on. For the sake of the band I hope they were all HIGH when they performed this.

The Flaming Lips kind of embarrass themselves with their version. You know, they have one really great song where they use a megaphone and it just sounds so cool. Here they use it and it sounds really painful. I think they do a pretty good job conceptually, but it’s not really something I want to spend my time listening to. But take note, Phish and Jasper Steverlick: AT LEAST THEY TRIED!

It’s not all bad, though. I do like some of these. For instance, Anggun, who apparently is some famous Indonesian singer I’ve never heard of before, does a pretty cool dancey cover. It’s not all that different production-wise from what’s big in pop music these days but it’s a pretty cool song choice to cover that way. Totally listenable.

There’s also The Divine Comedy. This one’s a big success, I’d have to say, especially considering the rest of the group. They give it a kind of Victorian courtier feel (were there courtier’s in Victorian times? If not there should have been), which gives me images of people all dressed in white frilly outfits all bowing to each other while the world is kind of blowing up all around them. Pretty satisfying.

I’d have to say, though, my favorite cover belongs to Seu Jorge from The Life Aquatic soundtrack. I think it’s just because it’s all in Portuguese and I can listen to what a nice song it is without trying to figure out those damn lyrics. Seriously, is it so wrong to like a song when you don’t get it?

So in the spirit of total disclosure, I think it’s only fair to admit that I spent a great deal of my time in high school listening to The Wall. It was kind of an Important Album in my musical development. And as such I’m a bit protective of it, and a little SUSPICIOUS of anyone who tries to cover one of the songs from that album. That being said, let’s get to the crap.

The Scissor Sisters
What a waste of four minutes and twenty-six seconds. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? It sounds as if the Bee Gees got back together and recorded a crappy disco version of this song, probably just because they hate Roger Waters. Yeah, I know it sounds kind of funny and maybe worth a listen, but that feeling lasts for maybe thirty seconds before you are filled with uncontrollable rage and curse the Scissor Sisters for visiting this travesty upon us and curse the Bee Gees for inspiring them. That’s what it did to me, anyway. Let me know if you want to come along when I egg their house.

Tool
I listened to this probably seven times and I still don’t know if it’s a joke or not. It’s just Maynard “doo doo do doo do”-ing over some tripping sounding guitars for two and a half minutes. It’s not even a song. I spent a while trying to confirm that this was really Tool, and (thankfully) I didn’t find anything incriminating. So I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that this is some dumb band pretending to be Tool thanks to the power of the internet.

I’ve been trying to write about this song for two weeks now, and I still don’t know how to go about it. I’ve just got three versions of “Is That All There Is?” and they’re all really good in different and obvious ways, but there’s just something about this song that is keeping me from really knowing what to say. So this is the last time I’m going to try and we’ll just see what happens.

If you don’t know the song then you have been doing yourself a great disservice, and I am very happy to be introducing the two of you. To try and sum it up, it is a song about a woman going through a series of Big and/or Traumatic Events (her house burning down, having her heart broken, going to the circus, etc.) and then asking herself (get ready): Is that all there is? It’s a song that definitely struck onto some very basic but largely ignored emotional phenomenon, namely: being removed from a situation enough as to not really feel it/feel a part of it. It sounds like a very post-modern condition, but who knows how long people have been feeling like this, right? I bet we’d all be surprised to find out.

Anyway, Peggy Lee nails it down cold, is what I’m saying. The verses are very much a cabaret-style storytelling bit, you can pretty much see her standing there in a sparkly dress in front of a piano. But it totally changes for the chorus and I for one don’t know whether I should feel sorry for her or feel disgusted or just be fascinated by the whole experience of it. She’s just matter-of-fact about it all, is that amazing part, and is the big difference from the two covers I found.

PJ Harvey sounds like she’s at her own funeral. Is that kind of trite to say? Well too bad. I don’t know if the idea is that she’s looking back at a wasted life or something, but I totally picture a slow-motion over-exposed pan of a cemetery on what feels like Sunday afternoon. It must be the organ.

And then we have Cristina, i.e. the punk rock cover. I was totally enamored of this version the first time I heard it, but the feeling kind of dwindled with each consecutive listening. And just so we have no misunderstanding: this is not one of those cheesy ironic punk covers where the band sings a Carpenters song to show how much they hate music or something. It’s totally sincere and really good. It is both a tribute to the song AND kind of an anthem for the punk rock/nihilism/wasted youth attitude, and it kind of makes me want to sit in an empty apartment and throw whiskey bottles at the wall. This is the problem. What she does is change around the verses (i.e. makes them more punk rock) so now her mom burns down the house, she goes to a disco, and her boyfriend beats her. And it’s really entertaining and I’ll totally put it on a mix for someone someday, but it takes all the power away from the chorus, which is what was so good in the Peggy Lee version. So in a way it kind of reduces itself to a novelty song, which really limits how much I can listen to it.

BUT, then I come back to Pj Harvey and wonder why I can’t listen to that one too much either, because I like it. And it’s a pretty straight up cover, so all I can think of is that Peggy Lee got it right the first time. So why does anyone bother trying to mess with this song? Did you know that Sandra Bernhard does a cover, too? I’m so glad I didn’t have to listen to it.

Getting through a long winter alone? Well we’ve got the song for you, or rather we have just the right version of that song for you. We’re doing (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction this week, and it is action-packed. Pretty much an amazing group of covers, one to help you through each step of the celibate gauntlet.

The Rolling Stones
The standard bearer. This is what you listen to when that I’m-takin-some-time-to-myself line turns into why-do-I-scare-everyone-away-do-I-have-terrible-breath? Things are not going well with the ladies (or gentlemen) and you don’t get it. I mean it’s not like you’re not trying, you even bought a new shirt. You are lucky to have friends like Keith and Mick.

Cat Power
It’s the end of the night. You get home, you take off your shoes and put your keys on the table. You’re very drunk. The place is dark except for the streetlight coming in through the living room window. Did I mention you’re alone? Yeah, you’re way alone, and you’re kind of feeling sorry for yourself. You make yourself another drink and sit on the couch. This is the song you listen to as you dwell on your situation.

Devo
Q: Are We Not Man? A: We Are Devo! We don’t care about being single or how many days it’s been since we’ve had sex (even if we have been keeping track). We are happy to stay at home and revel in the de-evolution of mankind and maybe play on the computer and listen to some new wave. And no way are we going to even THINK of calling up any ex-girlfriends or giving this whole stupid drought another thought. We Are Devo!

PJ Harvey and Bjork
This is for when you’ve reached the end, pretty much. All of this alone time that you have been counting down to the second has pretty much driven you underneath the crazy rock. You blame the world because it is obviously a grand conspiracy meant to keep you alone and miserable and hanging out in this stupid bar drinking your money away. Did the bartender just laugh at you? Are you going to take that? No!

Did I mention this is a really really great song?

Otis Redding
This is a live version from Monterey Pop and it’s basically what you have to listen to in order to break out of this terrible funk you’ve gotten yourself in with PJ Harvey and Bjork. It’s fast and driven and fills you with thoughts like, “Yeah! I’ve got to fix this situation I’m in. Point me toward the whiskey and the girls in mini-skirts!” And when the song is over and it’s the next morning and you wake up, you’re not quite sure where you are, but you kind of want to enjoy the moment before you (hopefully) find your clothes figure out how to get home.

Brittany Spears
Oh yeah, Brittany covers this, too. Except, what’s that, she totally removes any sexual references the song has, so that now it’s all just about a general sense of a job well done or something? Yeah, that kind of sucks. Especially since she manages to replace it with some “be yourself!” positive message for the girls while still sounding like she’s trying to seduce their dads. I could on about it, but it really doesn’t deserve the attention. You should listen to this under no circumstances. It will make you cry about the state of popular music.

I would like to talk about Celine Dion for a moment. Forget about how in love with her own voice she is, or that she has a soft voice and a loud voice, and the loud voice sounds like she’s dangerously close to forcing a bowel movement. And basically, her recording career is a giant victory for mediocrity everywhere. I mean, these are givens in any discussion about her and her music, right? Doesn’t even need to be mentioned. What I want to talk about is her huge ego, and just how that led to her recording a “duet” with the expired Frank Sinatra.

I’ll accept that he was one of her favorite signers. I’ll even believe you if you tell me that they performed it live together at some point. But come on, this ersatz duet is worse than tacky: this is her attempt to grab some of that Sinatra mystique with her bony Canadian hands. This is her trying to elevate herself from hopefully-soon-to-be-forgotten 90s pop star to beloved-and-often-thought-of music icon. I mean, come on, she named her damned greatest hits “All the Way: A Decade of Song”. Tacky and desperate. We should all pity her.

And of course the song itself is unbearable. It’s so close to sketch comedy that it’s hardly worth talking about. Just picture how Saturday Night Live would do it and that’s basically what it sounds like: exactly as uncomfortably almost funny.

Thankfully, there exists another cover of this song, one that is so unabashedly genuine and loving that it cancels out all of the bad energy created by Celine Dion. I speak, of course, of Bruno Kirby. In “This Is Spinal Tap” he plays the Sinatra fan limo driver (Tommy Pischedda), who’s agreeing to party with the band leads to him standing in the middle of the hotel room, wearing nothing but his bikini briefs, and sharing with the world his a cappella rendition of “All the Way”. It’s hilarious and it gets across a respect for music that a certain Canadian recording artist is missing. And maybe most importantly, it is memorable and unique and decidedly not bland. Celine, you should take some notes.

I’ve never cared for that “Big Yellow Taxis” song (you know, “they paved paradise, put up a parking lot”). Not that I disagree with a sentiment, I just think that it’s way whiny and that Joni Mitchell is full of herself. Which I guess explains why I was so excited when I heard the song “(Nothing but) Flowers” the other day, because it was the exact opposite! People stuck in this paradise with no shopping malls or Pizza Huts or beef jerky, and they HATE it. Or at least the protagonist does. Anyway, this is a Talking Heads song, and predictably their version is both A) a little danceable and B) way snotty and condescending. Almost as bad as Joni Mitchell. And there’s this stupid “You got it, you got it” refrain, which I really don’t get. It comes across as one of those preachy throwaway tracks that you just know David Byrne insisted had to go on the greatest hits, right after “Burning Down the House” or something.

So why was I so excited about this song if the original is just as bad as Joni Mitchell? Because Caetano Veloso and his amazing cover. This is a song that I heard while sitting alone in my roommate’s car waiting for her to run to the post office. It’s a very soft, calmed down arrangement: just him, a guitar, and some bongos (and maybe some maracas). Pretty much what you’d expect in The New Paradise. And his voice, his voice! It’s this great falsetto with a hint of anxiety that really makes you believe that he misses “the honky tonks, Dairy Queens, and 7-Elevens”. Basically it’s the perfect song to hear in the passenger seat of your friend’s car on a January afternoon, when you can see the city at it’s dirtiest and most exhaust-fume-filled. He even minimalized the annoying “You got it, you got it” refrain. I was so excited to tell everyone else about it.

But how disappointing is it that it’s the only good version? Guster has a live version that sounds way too much like Jimmy Buffett for me. I don’t even know why it reminds me of Jimmy Buffett, exactly. Maybe it’s the whole “let’s play a song that everyone can dance to with a pina colada in their hand” feel it has. Is it bad that I’m picturing the band all wearing Hawaiian shorts playing this?

David Byrne must have known how dumb the Talking Heads original sounded, because he tried it again solo on MTV Unplugged. And it’s a lot better. I’d almost like it but he somehow makes the “You got it, you got it” even MORE annoying. Clearly he thinks it’s really important to basically ruin the rest of the song with a line that doesn’t fit. Oh, and he tries to get all funky (funky meaning weird) at the end of the song, which makes me want to cringe.

My advice, refuse to listen to this song if someone tries to play it for you, UNLESS it’s the Caetano Veloso version.

So a couple of times now my friend Dave has asserted that “Jolene” is one of those songs that no one should bother covering, because no one can come close to the way Dolly does it. Is Dolly’s original so good as to leave the others unnecessary? I took it upon myself to find out.

Dolly Parton (original)
“Jolene” is a song about a woman (Dolly in this case) pleading with her man’s mistress (Jolene, as usual) not to steal her man away. Because Jolene is way perfect (I will refrain from the obvious boob joke– and shame on all of you for thinking about it), and the man in question is crazy about her, talking in his sleep and all that. This leaves Dolly distraught. She knows she can’t compete with someone whose voice is soft like summer rain (as if the ivory skin and emerald eyes weren’t enough). Oh, and man, Dolly sounds torn up about this. She gets across that kind of end-of-the-rope desperation that makes you concerned about her well-being. It makes me wary of anyone named Jolene, but– sigh– I can NEVER stay mad when I see that smile like a breath of spring.

Sherrie Austin
Without a doubt the worst cover of the bunch. It’s like if Dolly Parton sold out and decided to rerecord it with a crappy producer (”We need more steel guitar! This is a country album, right?”) and no other goal but to sound TERRIBLE. Ms. Austin is a lot more interested in A) her own voice and B) recording a song that will sound like everything else in the world of pop country. She doesn’t care if Jolene runs off with her guy, it’d be good for record sales. This isn’t even the worst cover she does. You should hear how she mangles “Son of Preacher Man”. She should be arrested.

Mindy Smith
Oh man, this is such a relief after Sherry Austin (so bad), but it’s still not that great. She tries to do that “I’m way soulful and know about heartache even though I’m like ten years old” thing that’s oh so popular with the singer-songwriter group these days. It’s kind of like Nora Jones with a guitar. It’s another case where the style is more important than the song. Apparently Dolly Parton loves her: “‘Jolene’ has been done many times by many artists, including me, but Mindy’s version is my favorite. I wish her all the best.” Whatever, Dolly. Amazing how the compliments flow when you get drunk, huh?

The White Stripes
What’s up with the train chugging along in the background? Is that just on the recording I have? Is Jack singing from the point of view of the man, or is he talking about some type of man-man-woman love triangle, a la “Beyond Therapy”? Is he trying to confuse the issue with his sister/wife even more so? Or does he just really like the song and want and to put that oh so original White Stripes spin on it (that, in case you’re wondering, is sarcasm)? And why did I just eat a whole box of Japanese chocolates (albeit a compact and efficient box)? This song just raises too many questions for me.

10,000 Maniacs
They add a kind of Irish ballad old world sadness to it, like Natalie Merchant is on some green cliff wearing a wool sweater, begging Jolene to leave her man alone, or she’ll have no option to to jump into the Atlantic. I’d probably really like this version if I liked Natalie Merchant’s voice.

Looks like I have no recourse but to agree with Dave. Dolly leave them all in the dust. Only she seems to understand the terror that is Jolene (sigh).

A while ago I picked up a CD from Ryko called “Blues Originals”, and it’s all the original versions of songs that were made famous by snotty-nosed rockers, such as the Doors and Led Zeppelin. It’s all fine and good to give credit where credit is due, but who’s version is actually BETTER? So I figured I’d stack up some of the old classics against the older classics and see what happens. Notice how there’s no White Stripes anywhere in this? I think that’s intentional.

The first half is all songs written by Willie Dixon, just because he wrote so many damn good songs. He was a producer and in-house songwriter for Chess and Checker records back in the day. This whole thing could have been all Willie Dixon songs, but I opted for variety instead. The first three songs are all covered by Led Zeppelin, just because they covered so many of Willie Dixon’s songs.

Sonny Boy Williamson vs. Led Zeppelin: Bring It On Home
Sonny Boy Williamson’s version is a nice little ditty about heading home on the train to see his baby. The guitar and harmonica combine to give a nice chugging-train feel, and you can tell that this is a weary but happy man. Basically, a good song to listen to if you’re coming back from a long trip.

Led Zeppelin starts out their version as a straight up cover, almost a parody, of the original. Robert Plant does his Sonny Boy impersonation as they go through the first half of the song, slow and steady and faithful. They he and the gang rip the top off of it and start rockin’ out in just the way we expect from Led Zeppelin. They add on a couple of verses about the woman cheating and running out with another man, and if we want to talk about song style reinforcing the lyrics, I’d have to say that the total rockin’ right after the slow and easy blues makes for one distraught cuckold. Zeppelin wins this one.

Muddy Waters vs. Led Zeppelin: You Need Love/Whole Lotta Love
This is the song that Led Zeppelin got in trouble for stealing. Willie Dixon sent his lawyers after Zep and got a big settlement (and credit for the song), so it’s all good in the end. Muddy Waters is credited with doing the first recording of this song, and it’s just what you’d expect from a good blues song: low and steady and maybe kind of dirty. But Zeppelin is just too much for Muddy Waters. The difference being that you believe Muddy Waters when he says the girl needs love, and that he wants to do something about it, but with Led Zeppelin, well the girl doesn’t have a choice. She’s going to GET that love. Zeppelin wins.

Otis Rush vs. Led Zeppelin: I Can’t Quit You Baby
Oh man, is Otis Rush in a tough situation. This woman, she’s ruining his life and he knows it and just can’t do anything about it except sing and drink. Led Zeppelin does a good job with this, but they drag it out too much. They are the loud drunk in the bar, entertaining but ultimately too whiny. Otis Rush wins (and stops the Zeppelin sweep).

Howlin Wolf vs. The Doors: Back Door Man
Okay, we’re done with Led Zeppelin, now on to the Doors. This to me shows the big difference between the blues and rock attitudes. We’ve got Jim Morrison and the Doors making a big show about being a back door man, probably hanging out at the bar telling his friends all about this chick the other night and, “oh man, wait until you hear the best part” type of stuff. And then there’s Howlin’ Wolf, sitting in the corner, being the dirty old man and whispering in the lady’s ear how she should leave the door unlocked when her husband is out of town. If only the Doors’ version wasn’t so much fun, this would be an easy pick. Draw.

Robert Johnson vs. The Rolling Stones vs. Eric Clapton: Love in Vain
Our first song NOT written by Willie Dixon (I miss him already). This is a song about losing your love because she just doesn’t love you enough, and basically how it messes you up. The original is simple and perfect, so it’s going to be kind of hard to beat. It’s just Johnson and his guitar getting right to the point. He brings her to the train station and watches her leave. He’s lonely and empty and doesn’t try to make sense of the situation because what the hell what can you do when it doesn’t work out?

The Stones covered this during that streak of albums when they could do no wrong. It takes on their signature “We love American country and blues music, but we know we’re British so we’re going to mess around with it” sound. They’ve got the full band going, but it’s soft; they know it’s all riding on Mick. He kind of shuffles his feet at the station and drags out the goodbye, just so he can see her for a couple more minutes. Kind of sad, Mick.

Eric Clapton’s cover sounds like something you’d hear at a TGI Friday’s as part of their promotion for their new “Chicago-style buffalo wings”. In other words: bland, showy, and embarrassing. He doesn’t even know that his girl left him or that it’s because he’s a hack. Robert Johnson wins (barely over the Stones). Eric Clapton goes home disgraced to reheat his complimentary buffalo wings.

Larry Davis vs. Stevie Ray Vaughn: Texas Flood
The Larry Davis original is so so good. And the Stevie Ray Vaughn cover is so so bad. Where Davis pours forth emotion Vaughn tries to fake it with gratuitous guitar solos and that damn stupid hat he wears. I mean, it’s twice as long as the original because he wants to show everyone what a great guitarist he is. The song stops being about anything other than his huge ego because he thinks he’s some blues savior. BUT HE SUCKS!

G. L. Crockett vs. The Allman Brothers: It’s a Man Down There/ One Way Out
Crockett wins because his version is fun and good and doesn’t suck. The Allman brothers will never win anything that I have a say in. Maybe it has something to do with the believability of a relatively unknown blues musician getting himself into a situation like this (putting his socks on and hearing some guy stomp around downstairs) versus a famous southern rock band with plenty of groupies getting into the same situation (they have their tour bus for that). Or maybe it’s because the Allman Brothers are unbearable.

Final tally: 4-2-1 in favor of the blues. And a quick look back at the match-ups show that the rock n’ roll guys did best when they were rockin’ out, and not when they were trying to “get in touch with their inner blues” or some crap like that. Let this be a lesson to you, Eric Clapton, because you’re best song was Layla and that was a long time ago.

The world is trying to tell me something. I think I’m supposed to move to West Virginia, or maybe it’s just that I’m supposed develop an appreciation for John Denver. Either way, “Take Me Home, Country Roads” has been following me, not so secretly, since the weekend and in very unusual ways. The song was first performed by John Denver, and was written by Bill Danoff and Taffy Nirvet (with a little help from Denver). Reportedly none of them had been to West Virginia as of the recording of the song. Some friend sent Danoff a postcard telling him how great the place was and that’s how the whole mess started.

Party Fieber: The terror begins
It started out innocently enough, sitting around the living room one morning drinking whiskey with a couple of friends, when suddenly my world changed. My roommate Matt has a large and, well, we’ll say varied CD collection, and he took it upon himself to share with us an album that perfectly captured the mood of the day. What else but a compilation of German dance hits. Song number two is the Hermann Haus Band covering “Take Me Home, Country Roads”, one of only two English language songs on the album, so Bill and Taffy should feel honored. It starts out with the sound of a crowd screaming (the way only an artificial studio crowd can), and then a man comes on and asks, “Are you ready to party?” It’s all drum machine and synthesizer after that, and Germans singing in English, doing an almost right-on country singing style, but just off enough to make you think, “Is this some type of terrible dream/David Lynch movie?” Or maybe that was the whiskey. It speeds up at the end and turns into a real dance party, though I don’t know what type of dancing you could do to it, especially in a German club. But then again, I’ve never been to a German club.

Karaoke: Scary when you’re very very drunk (or anytime, really)
Later that night I stumbled into Triple Ds in Jamaica Plain, famous for their Saturday night karaoke (and their perpetual “last call” lighting). Admittedly, it was kind of early for the rock n’ roll scene to really be happening (9pm or so), but it was probably the worst display of amateur pop stylings I have ever seen (note: I have never watched American Idol). To give you an idea of the level of talent we’re talking about here, one guy went up there to sing “Bust a Move” and didn’t know any of the words, not even “Okay smarty go to a party”. Come on, practice at home or something. But when that’s the status quo, it’s very easy to rise above it, which is just what the next “performer” did. With her rendition of “Take Me Home Country Roads.” She knew the words (or could read them well enough off of the screen), she had a sense of rhythm, she wasn’t slurring the lyrics together due to drink. Pretty much all you can ask for from bar karaoke. Probably her biggest problem was that she couldn’t sing, but I don’t think that hurt the actually song all that much, especially since I already can’t stand it.

Toots and the Maytals: Confusing
Later in the week I’m at Delux, just hanging out with my friend Ken. Delux is the antithesis of Triple Ds, in that its faux dive instead of real dive. It’s decorated with lots of Elvis album covers and artwork, and generally plays good music. Generally. I want to preface this by saying that I like Toots and the Maytals. Pressure drop is an amazing song, and they’re pretty much the only reggae I’ll tolerate. But “Country Roads”? I couldn’t understand it. What connection could there possibly be? I could write off the Germans as weird, and I could convince myself that the karaoke girl had no taste in music. But Toots? It didn’t make sense (I did a Google search for “toots maytals country roads why”, but to no avail). It was bearable, I’ll give it that– much better than the Germans or how I remember the original. It had that typical reggae laid back feel, with the steady beat and easy going manner that makes you think, if only a little, that every reggae song is secretly about marijuana. That’s the connection I convinced myself of: that Toots thought it was about toking.

John Denver: A return to normalcy
I decided to put an end to the madness and meet John Denver’s music face-to-face. This way, I hoped, I could put an early end to what was sure to be an unending string of bizarre “Country Roads” covers. I found a RealAudio file of his version on a fan site (you can check it out here) and gave it a listen. The whole idea of a sentimental country song doesn’t appeal to me (I like my country songs to be about death and killing, occasionally about the one that got away), but it’s both appealing and infuriating in the same way that the Carpenters’ music is: it’s nice enough by itself, but I can’t help but be a little resentful that it’s holding up the spot in the universe that rightly belongs to a song that is not mediocre. This is an improvement on what I used to think of John Denver, so I guess the universe/the spirit of country chart hits did its job.

Hey, welcome to my column. Just really quick so that we can get to the fun part: I like collecting cover songs and I like talking about them, so that’s what I’m going to be doing here. If you know of any versions I miss, or know of any songs that are just too good to pass up (the Niel Diamond / Dolly Pardon “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’” duet comes to mind), please let me know. Hopefully this should be fun.

Now the fun. The inaugural song is “Cry Me a River,” written by Arthur Hamilton and first performed by Julie London in the 1956 film “The Girl Can’t Help it.” The song is basically summed up in its first verse:

Now you say you’re lonely
You cry the long night through
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you

ooh, it’s so mean, huh? I swear it doesn’t sound that corny when talented people are singing it.

Original- Julie London
Ms. London delivers a very smooth, “I’m in a movie and have to look sexy” type of performance. For such a potentially sad song, she sounds like she’s just looking for sympathy from someone in the audience, because the REAL thing she’s after with this performance is a little action. This is all seduction. She picked out some guy in the audience, and is saying directly to him, “You’re so amazing, and handsome, and wonderful; and if i’m not careful I’m going to be singing this song for real about you. Please don’t neglect the tip jar.” I should rent that movie to see if I’m right.

Diana Krall
Diana Krall does a good Julie London impersonation, but I don’t know why she’s recording this song if it’s not for the Julie London fan club. It’s so close to the original that I don’t know which I like better. So if you’re a Diana Krall fan, by all means listen to this one instead of the original.

Harry Connick Jr.
I’m not the biggest Harry Connick Jr. fan, but this version has a nice unrelenting choreographed-dance-number feel . Like some lovers tango-type of thing, but cooler. Or better yet: that old Niagara Falls routine from the Three Stooges. “Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned. Step by step. Inch by inch.” That’s what it reminds me of. That slow-marching, no escape feeling. Yeah. There is no escape from Harry Conick Jr., ladies. Try as you might.

Sam Cooke
Sam Cooke gets this song exactly right. This song is one big, dignified “fuck you.” He’s been waiting for this moment. He knew she was coming back, and now he gets to say, “Tough. You’ve had your chance, and I’ve moved on.” Yeah. This man has self-respect. He’s done with her. Not that I’m projecting my own experiences onto his performance or anything

Joe Cocker
This is what the song’s like: Joe and thirty of his closest pals are sitting around, having a good time, when there’s a knock at the door. Who is it, but that bitch that walked all over Joe last summer. She’s come crawling back, begging Joe for a second chance. And Joe kicks her ass to the door. Joe and the gang burst into song around her, pronouncing his ultimate victory over this dehumanizing little opportunist. The champagne starts flowing, and Joe is lifted above the crowd and bestowed with the relationship crown. Just inspirational. If somebody screwed you over, play this song.

Björk
I get the impression that this is a bad relationship that has been going on too long. Break up, back together. Break up, back together. And it’s taking its toll. Now she’s at the point where she’s just going through the motions, more saying these words just to convince herself that they won’t get back together. I bet she takes him back again.

Justin Timberlake
Okay, so it’s not a cover of the song, but it’s too good to ignore. I hate most current pop music, but this is my JAM. This is the perfect song for anyone who was in an immature relationship or is in one now. Because as overly dramatic as the original “Cry Me a River” and all of its offspring are, this song is moreso. It’s the ultimate temper tantrum. And have you seen this video? It’s sociopathic. It’s great. I hope he writes a part 2 about getting back together, and breaking up again.