also in this issue:
They Both Look Good...
Labrador + Poodle
Fantasy Quahoging Scouting Report
The Dance of the 31 Flavors
For the Love of Pad Thai
It's a new year, so try to be healthy. Try to go to the gym on a regular schedule, as opposed to once a season. Last year you went every other day from August to October. This was a big deal for you. And then one day in October, you went to the movies instead and ate a jumbo-sized popcorn with extra butter. By yourself.
Eat only whole wheat, and not the Wonder Bread your mother never bought when you were growing up because she said it was full of chemicals. Try to ignore the fact that you like pretty much all foods made with chemicals--hot dogs, pepperoni, American cheese, mayonnaise.
Make sure you eat more fruit. This should be easy, because you like fruit. Try to eat even more vegetables, because they contain less sugar than fruit. This may be hard, because even though you like vegetables, you like food with sugar more--ice cream, kettle corn, Magic Shell, fruit.
Try to not eat chocolate. This will be the most difficult. Chocolate is your favorite food, and not just fancy chocolate either. You have been known to eat an entire sack of Tollhouse chocolate chips, as well as Nutella straight from the jar. You have never liked Nutella on anything except for a spoon.
Start grocery shopping at health food supermarkets exclusively. Fill your basket with Kashi products and three different kinds of bulgur. Only buy things that are high in fiber. Walk past the cocoa-covered almonds without a second glance, even though you distinctly remember the first time you had one. Your coworker had offered you one, and it was all you could do from harassing her all day for some more. Convince yourself that they are too expensive and select plain walnuts instead.
Pretend you have a new puppy, and go for a brisk walk twice a day. Wake up early every morning, and before taking a shower, tie your laces tight and head out the door. Double check that you have your keys before locking it behind you. Consider buying a leash if it will make you feel more motivated. At night, zip your cell into your vest pocket and try not to think how pathetic it is that you are walking your imaginary dog.
Stop hanging out with your fat friends, the ones who hate diet soda and always order dessert. Don't return their phone calls, not even to cancel plans. Try to forget them, even though they've known you for most of your adult life. Focus on the new, skinny, healthy people you are bound to meet while walking the dog or pushing your cart down the grain aisle. Try to convince yourself that it doesn't hurt when they give up and stop calling.
Know that if you stick to it, your life will be better. You will be that person people admire, the one they all want to be with. You will never be lonely, or sad, or miserable. The telephone will ring off the hook. By this time next year, the dog will not be pretend, you will not be sleeping alone, and you will have convinced yourself that you are happy.