The following dialogue was recorded from a marriage counseling session. It is with great pleasure that we at the Center for Happy Campers present it to you as part of our "There are People Out There More Fucked Up than You!" series. Please enjoy.

Welcome Mr. And Mrs. Zessis. As usual I will be taping our little chat here purely for note taking purposes. Mr. Zessis, since you called to book the appointment, why don't you begin.

Sure, ok. When I called we had just finished watching the latest Lord of The Rings movie and the most peculiar thing happened. As the credits began to roll, members of the audience broke out in spontaneous applause. 'Why were they doing this?" I asked Adria. "None of the actors are here, they are all clapping for performers who cannot hear their appreciation." Adria quickly replied "What the hell is wrong with you! They are clapping in joy and appreciation, what's wrong with that? Who cares if the actors are here or not?" As you can probably imagine this was the beginning of a long 'discussion'.

That's great term use Rich, very diplomatic. Adria, your feelings?

I thought Rich was taking a cheap shot at the clappers. They had experienced a good show, for many of them, it was probably a movie they had waited long and hard for and had always imagined coming to the big screen from their favorite books. The movie had done the book justice and they were so happy they broke out into applause. They clapped with joy. I had felt like clapping too, but years of ridicule as a geeky and naíve youngster had made me fearful of being the first clapper. I saluted their brave public display of pleasure. And my man was putting them down. Rant rave snort belch.

Hostility is part of any relationship, I can see how your inner rage surfaces when you perceive the old threats of your awkward adolescence, even if they have nothing to do with you. Now Rich, go ahead. (Take note: the male is sweating.)

I though the whole clapping thing was just plain silly alltogether; I could not fathom why anyone in their right mind would want to do such a thing. Honestly, it was as if one weirdo had decided that they wanted to make everyone else feel bad for not doing the same thing as them. Kind of like the people who want to ALWAYS give a standing ovation even if it is not deserved. I am tough, I know, but what do you want from a life-long cynic? We couldn't have started from more polar points of view. I on the one hand had felt violated by the idiot who started the whole clapping thing, while Adria was all for the applause.

And Adria what did you do then (note: I'm going out on a limb here and saying that supporting was not the route she chose...We really need to get her in some one on one sessions. What is she doing with this spineless jelly fish, can't he just stand up for what he believes in and let the cards fall where they may, They are married, this should not be something I needed to be called about well at least I am making $85 a session and boy are these tapes going to sell like crazy)...Oh I'm sorry, are you talking?

Yeah! At this point I was determined to force Rich over to my side. I will not go to parties with this man and introduce him, "And have you met my husband? He pisses on sunbeams." (Yep, I knew it, score one for me. Damn I'm good) I tried to explain that when people clap they are sharing with one another their enthusiasm for the movie, even though they don't talk to them, its like saying to the whole crowd, "Hey that was great! Wasn't it great? I thought that was just great!" And the other people clap, "Yeah right on! That was great! Yeah!" It's one big crowd of happy clapping togetherness and everybody knows that was great we were all having a good time. I figured Rich didn't like the movie and so did not feel clapping was warranted because he did not enjoy, the cold hearted SOB.

(Does he need prompting to do everything) ...Well Rich why don't we try to build a bridge off of the last thing that your loving wife said. Did you not like the movie?

It was not that I did not like the movie, I thought it was very well done, however, the performers were not there to hear my appreciation. I figure the best way I can show them how much I liked the movie is to tell everyone I know to go and see it. I applaud for events when the performers are ACTUALLY THERE, and so movies therefore do not get them from me. I'm sorry, it is silly. And why do I care whether everyone else liked the movie, I do not know them from a hole in the wall, I liked it and I know it and I do not really care if you did or not. (sort of like a giant don't-ask-don't-tell kind of thing). To me it would be like sitting in your house seeing a really good TV show and at the end you start clapping. Sounds strange right?

I'm really not here to judge anyone Rich. Now let's give Adria the floor, its been thirty seconds so she'll need to spit venom again.

I thought feelings were meant to be shared! I thought I was a vessel to pour in an out of, not a bottle sealed with wax! Horrified as I was at this hostile attitude toward the clappers, my own kin, I promptly burst into tears. I had enjoyed my solidarity with the movie lovers. I enjoyed our mutual interchange of 'Yeah good movie good movie yeah.' Rich's heart of ice thawed.

Eventually the drama died down and we came at the issue from a new perspective. Adria reminded me of my Sociology 100 class, specifically the lecture when we entered the class room and the professor had The Beatles song Eleanor Rigby playing (a very cool class by the way), and when it got to the refrain of "All the lonely people, where do they all come from?" he stopped the music and began the lecture with a slide titled with that line. He mentioned that the class had over 500 students, and that you would be lucky if you knew 1% of the people in the class (5 people). Which was a very fair statement especially for me since I only knew one other person. And yet he said that there were people in the room who felt alone at the thought of this (if not all of us). How is it possible for people to feel alone in a room overflowing with 500+ people?

(I hate it when someone who "Took a class" in college thinks they know all about the subject) Well, you know...

They feel alone because they know the others in the group will probably never speak to them, and they themselves will not start up conversation with anyone else. They are inhibited by the social stigma associated with approaching or being approached by strangers. Being friendly and meeting new people is perceived as a risk. They might not like me, they might laugh at me, they might hurt me. It's better to be alone, you can't get hurt. It's better to be an invisible nameless faceless nobody whom no one will miss. Compared to actually going one on one with a strange new person in a theatre to try and foster camaraderie over enjoyment of the film, the clappers can reach out to the crowd in a non-threatening way by applauding. They clap and if only a few others clap they all know they were enjoying the movie together. They can interact together at least in this small way with minimum fear of other people's reaction. They can be part of the crowd clapping together instead of alone in a movie theatre, even if they came in on their own.

You know what, I am done. And I don't mean our time's up or my my we're in a good place now, I mean I am done with the two of you. You don't progress, you just travel together on a weird little path of loser life all your own. Clap, don't clap, who cares? You would both be so much better off if you would just do what you felt like doing and not worry about other people. Let it go, let something go for the love of God. Let me go, how's that for a start? Oh, you want sugar with that? Fine here's my "expert" opinion.

The average person will not start to clap on their own they will wait for others to begin the process, because they do not want to be the only one clapping at the movie theater. However, if they secretly do then they will joyously join in with the first clapper "gives the okay" by clapping themselves. By all means clap if you want to, clap with reckless abandon, don't wait for the first clapper...BE THE FIRST CLAPPER. I have been in this business long enough to know that half that audience squirming hoping for someone like you.