Hey, welcome to my column. Just really quick so that we can get to the fun part: I like collecting cover songs and I like talking about them, so that's what I'm going to be doing here. If you know of any versions I miss, or know of any songs that are just too good to pass up (the Niel Diamond / Dolly Pardon "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" duet comes to mind), please let me know. Hopefully this should be fun.

Now the fun. The inaugural song is "Cry Me a River," written by Arthur Hamilton and first performed by Julie London in the 1956 film "The Girl Can't Help it." The song is basically summed up in its first verse:

Now you say you're lonely
You cry the long night through
Well, you can cry me a river
Cry me a river
I cried a river over you

ooh, it's so mean, huh? I swear it doesn't sound that corny when talented people are singing it.

Original- Julie London
Ms. London delivers a very smooth, "I'm in a movie and have to look sexy" type of performance. For such a potentially sad song, she sounds like she's just looking for sympathy from someone in the audience, because the REAL thing she's after with this performance is a little action. This is all seduction. She picked out some guy in the audience, and is saying directly to him, "You're so amazing, and handsome, and wonderful; and if i'm not careful I'm going to be singing this song for real about you. Please don't neglect the tip jar." I should rent that movie to see if I'm right.

Diana Krall
Diana Krall does a good Julie London impersonation, but I don't know why she's recording this song if it's not for the Julie London fan club. It's so close to the original that I don't know which I like better. So if you're a Diana Krall fan, by all means listen to this one instead of the original.

Harry Connick Jr.
I'm not the biggest Harry Connick Jr. fan, but this version has a nice unrelenting choreographed-dance-number feel . Like some lovers tango-type of thing, but cooler. Or better yet: that old Niagara Falls routine from the Three Stooges. "Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned. Step by step. Inch by inch." That's what it reminds me of. That slow-marching, no escape feeling. Yeah. There is no escape from Haryyr Conick Jr., ladies. Try as you might.

Sam Cooke
Sam Cooke gets this song exactly right. This song is one big, dignified "fuck you." He's been waiting for this moment. He knew she was coming back, and now he gets to say, "Tough. You've had your chance, and I've moved on." Yeah. This man has self-respect. He's done with her. Not that I'm projecting my own experiences onto his performance or anything

Joe Cocker
This is what the song's like: Joe and thirty of his closest pals are sitting around, having a good time, when there's a knock at the door. Who is it, but that bitch that walked all over Joe last summer. She's come crawling back, begging Joe for a second chance. And Joe kicks her ass to the door. Joe and the gang burst into song around her, pronouncing his ultimate victory over this dehumanizing little opportunist. The champagne starts flowing, and Joe is lifted above the crowd and bestowed with the relationship crown. Just inspirational. If somebody screwed you over, play this song.

Björk
I get the impression that this is a bad relationship that has been going on too long. Break up, back together. Break up, back together. And it's taking its toll. Now she's at the point where she's just going through the motions, more saying these words just to convince herself that they won't get back together. I bet she takes him back again.

Justin Timberlake
Okay, so it's not a cover of the song, but it's too good to ignore. I hate most current pop music, but this is my JAM. This is the perfect song for anyone who was in an immature relationship or is in one now. Because as overly dramatic as the original "Cry Me a River" and all of its offspring are, this song is moreso. It's the ultimate temper tantrum. And have you seen this video? It's sociopathic. It's great. I hope he writes a part 2 about getting back together, and breaking up again.