I just saw my first Elvis movie. It was that weekend celebrating him being dead for twenty-five years. I don't know what it was called, but Elvis starred as Dr. John something or other, working in some crappy hospital in the bad part of town as a favor to an old, dead army buddy who saved his life in the war. How's that for selfless? So there's this cutie nurse there (surprise, surprise) played by Mary Tyler Moore. Elvis stops by her apartment one day, unannounced, and paints it. After showing Mary and her roommates how to play guitar, Dr. Love makes his move in the kitchen, using those immortal words, "Finally, we're alone." Amazingly, through some freak of nature, Mary Tyler Moore disses the King. Elvis asks, "Is there someone else?" Uh huh, says nurse Mary. That's cool, says the good doctor, I'll see you in the office tomorrow. And he leaves. Just like that. Of course we find out later that Mary Tyler Moore is a nun, and the other man is God. This shouldn't be a surprise, because what mortal could compete with Elvis?

The movie goes on from there, but why, I'm not sure. I watched The King play some football and exorcise the demon from a little girl. The moment he was off-screen I got bored and turned it off. But I left the room with one thought in my head:Why can't I be more like Elvis?

I tried to imagine myself in the same situation, alone in a kitchen with Mary Tyler Moore, and how I would have handled it. It would not have gone well. Most likely I would have stood there awkwardly and said something lame like, "Nice kitchen." If I actually worked up enough nerve to make a move, once Mary told me no I'd start apologizing and crawl underneath the sink. And don't even ask me how I'd act the next time I saw her. That's what's so impressive about Elvis, especially in his movies. He doesn't "act" as much as he just "acts cool." His attitude in every one of his scenes is somewhere along the lines of: "I don't care what's going on in this stupid movie, when do I sing?" And it fits him so well. I mean, it's very obvious that you're watching Elvis in a movie, and not Elvis playing a character in a movie. I don't know why they even bother to change the name. But you're watching Elvis in this artificial world, watching him not even pretend to NOT be Elvis, and you can't help but think, "That would be so cool."

It's like the actor's nightmare of being on stage and not knowing your lines, only instead it's the entire world and everyone goes along with whatever you do. They improv around you.

You: "Hey, I'm a doctor." Them: "Okay, doctor, what do you want to do today?" You: "Let's go surfing!" Them: "Luckily, it's high tide and 76 degrees."

And if things don't go your way, no big deal: it's not real anyway.

What a great attitude to have. "Sorry, I think we should see other people." No biggie. "You're three months behind on your rent." Don't worry, I'll raise the money through song and dance before you evict me. "We're a gang of three hundred pound karate champions, and we want to kick your ass." Hold it, there, little fellas, are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?

Imagine the power you'd possess as Elvis. The women and bags of money you'd have to climb through to get to your job as Hula instructor for the extremely beautiful. The nights you'd spend entertaining all with your ukulele. Sure there are practical, everyday applications of the Elvis attitude: not getting stressed out about the little things, being able to behave like an articulate adult in matters of love; but what fun is that? If you're going to shake the hips, shake them 'til the parents faint.

Now, I don't want to hear any of you saying, "But I can't be Elvis. It's impossible to live like that. Not even HE could live like that." Don't focus on what's "possible" and "impossible." Just think about how cool it would be, if, even for a day, you could escape from your horribly boring, long,meaningless life and BE The King.